2015-04-02

I'm Sorry I Only Call You When I Feel Like Shit

Hey,

I'm sorry I lied to you (again) and for the subsequent passive aggressive "look what I did to myself" (again). There were people I could have asked you to call, but I really didn't think so at the time.

The people I chose to contact (apart from you) were people from work, people I haven't known for a long time. In retrospect, it was some kind of retarded test to see if they really like me. Which, I'm sure they did and now I have to repair those relationships.

I really wanted to off myself, but I knew that I probably didn't have enough pills. Well, I have lots of pills, and alcohol, but I didn't want to wake up needing dialysis for the rest of my life, or a liver transplant, or in the in the psych ward. I needed enough to suppress breathing, which I was pretty sure I didn't (the codeine even had caffeine). Suicide has to The Sure Thing (have you seen that movie, '80s, teenage angst love story, surprisingly fitting). Or, like a nurse once told me, a lot of people who jump in front of the subway just end up with no legs.

At any rate, this shit I do to you, it's stupid and abusive and selfish.

I've learned two things in the last two days:

J said, of course people don't want to hang out with you if you only contact them when you're in crisis mode. The last time I heard from you was January 9...

I've always known that of course. It's one of those great ironies. You think you're useless and people don't like you and you're lame and boring and whiny - and you are - but when you're in trouble you can kind of demand that attention that you'd otherwise have ask for at the risk of rejection, etc.

Which leads us to number two: Generally speaking, you have to work at being a friend and maintain those relationships.

I usually buy people and my family expressive things, like that makes up for never hearing from me, but and in keeping with my newfound insight, which I hope will stick, I was wondering if you want to have dinner with me and my larger than life neighbor, L. Not that I'm not good enough as I am, mind you, but she's very cool.

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