I haven't been sleeping a lot lately. I have gotten home late from work and after feeding the cats I've gone to bed.
But I haven't put out the light like a good girl, instead I've picked up my book and read until after midnight (unless I was home after midnight in which case, later).
I like reading. It's one of my enjoyable activities. My friend paints figurines, I read. It's one of those things.
It's just that my medication alarm goes off at 5:45 and the wake up alarm at 6:00 and then I'll fitfully stay in bed 'til 7:00.
Unless, like today, my stomach is full of squirming worms of anxiety. This morning, they woke me up before 5:30.
It used to be that my night meds would put my out within 15 minutes of taking them, but for some reason they don't anymore.
And it used to be that my morning meds would have me wide awake and seriously anxious within 30 minutes, but for some reason they don't anymore.
Instead, I read until after midnight and I yawn my way to work.
Last night I went to bed early, but was still unable to resist reading until after midnight.
Upon posting a pic of meds, J & M wanted to know how many I take, Facebook commented that 7 is a lucky number. I replied:
"Yes, that's true. I started taking Zoloft last week. Since my doc is out sick, it seemed like a good time to experiment and add another medication to the mix.
Doc wanted to add it a while back, but I don't want to take an antidepressant -- I took antidepressants for 8 years, they didn't help and they made me fat -- so I convinced him Zoloft wasn't the answer.
I don't know if it's the Zoloft, or the feeling of impeding apocalypse only avoidable by proving my worth, or sticking to my decision to stay in contact with friends daily -- because I love them and enjoy them and because they keep me grounded -- but I haven't rapid cycled this week.
Lucky 7 might appeal a little to C. A nod to agnosticism. Can't disprove it, now can I? (I actually think one can, it's just that I don't have the logic, philosophy, words and science to do it. Richard Dawkins is getting more precious every day.)"
It's certainly not my sleep hygiene improving my state of mind.
I'm trying to get over the resistance and unpack the CPAP machine.
Not so far.
Maybe it's too much like trying to control my circumstance and hoping that by like style changes I can get better.
Hope is a bitch. She's been harassing me with messages and friend requests until I finally blocked her.