2015-04-19

Arguing with Frank

Me: You sure you don't want my other ticket to Damien Rice's concert?

Me: Consider it a late Christmas present.

Frank: No, already saw him this tour, but thank you!

Me: You're such a wanker.

[snip]

Frank: Why is "no, thank you" not a sufficient answer?

Frank: And how does that make me a wanker?

[snip]

Frank: If you had backstage passes, I'd be there in a heartbeat, no questions asked. You could show up and berate me publicly, and I'd still go.

Me: Yeah, sorry my tickets do not include backstage passes, but I suppose it helps to know what kind of gifts you'll accept.

Frank: People are not required to take gifts simply because they're offered.

Frank: Besides, you said you had an extra ticket, not a gift for me.

Frank: Way to be a dick about it, though.

Frank: Kudos on that.

[considerable snip]

Frank: You talk about how you have no friends, but you act like this (and like that). I don't know what you expect to get out of your behavior, but this is clearly what you get.

[snip]

Frank: Your worldview on interpersonal interaction doesn't appear to work, but you appear to keep trying variations of the same thing. Bonne chance.

[snip]

Frank: You're the one who says you have no friends. It's not like I'm inventing it. To the extent that it's true, your behavior may be why. It may not. What do I know. But you also act like I'm way beyond the pale to say no thanks when I've said it to friends my whole life, and not once has anyone called me a wanker for not accepting tickets, offers of free stuff, etc.

[snip and after this no more snips]

Me: My point is that I can bring up stuff knowing how you'll react in the hopes that you'll react some other way, but chances are you won't. In this case we've been over this and I know you're firmly married to your point of view. I know I won't be able to change your mind. I resent you for the things you said and I think your arguments stink, but it's not going to change. But I don't want to flatten you into a moment of time and condense you into only those words, those thoughts, the way they make me feel. I want to see it only as a fraction of you and let you be someone whole, complex and unknowable.

Frank: Oh, I'd really like to know which arguments of mine stink.

Me: As we disagree on many issues I presume you think my arguments stink as I do yours. That is, they are entirety unconvincing.

Me: Shrug, pick any argument, especially a vicious one, which did not end in agreement and you'll find arguments of yours that I thought stunk.

Me: I'm going to presume that just because you think you're right, I do as well. I am generally firmly wedded to my point of view as well and I'm under no illusion that you agree just because I think I'm right. As I have tried to say,  I'm trying to let go of the unresolvable issues because unless I do I can't see you as you say, as a person who is evolving and unpredictable and unknowable.

Me: Realize that I don't always think you're right just because you think you are.

Me: We say a lot of things, cherry picking a few and repeating those, doesn't allow for more than one dimension, it doesn't allow for that dimension to be questioned for veracity, it doesn't allow for change, nor does it credit the other person with the ability to think more than one thought.

Me: And that's what I did. I brought up the ticket because you said "hanging out was out of the question". I wanted you to verify that this was why you rejected it and I considered it cowardice on your part not to do so. I did not allow you to have other reasons or to be someone other than a person who is embarrassed by me.

Me: There is a poem called Voice, I've found no translation to English, but it says "don't forget who little others know about you so that no judgment or rejection occurs" and it ends "don't forget who little you know of others so that no judgment or rejection occurs".

Me: Who/how

Me: Basically, don't judge or reject people because of they way they respond to you, they can't possibly know you and your reasons, and don't judge and reject people because of what they say or do because you can't possibly know them or their reasons.

Me: I'd rally rather be that person. But it's hard.

Me: This poem is essentially about the indescribably distances between humans beings. While you can take comfort in the unknowable and also cannot connect.

Me: And when I talk about not having friends it's because I'm so consumed with the indescribable distances.  You cannot know me and I cannot know you and there can be no real connection. But I do have friends. I regard you as one, never mind all the BS. I may not ever feel as connected as I crave but that doesn't mean that no connection is possible. It's usually during the depressive phases that I feel really disconnected. It's really hard for me to imagine I have anything to contribute, something that someone else might find enjoyable or interesting, that my presence can be enjoyable. I know this perception is false, but it's very seductive and withdrawing socially tend to lead to confirmation of this belief because generally people will not reach out to you if you never reach out to them.

[fine]

Sincerely,
Evil Albino

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