2013-12-31

Hallucinations & KCSM 91

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders* one of the things that distinguishes bipolar I from bipolar II is the presence of hallucinations, or "at least one psychotic episode".

As far as I know I've never had a psychotic episode. I expect that it'd be like being lost in painting by Salvador DalĂ­**. I would consider something less identifiable and more insidious unacceptable.

I'm communicating with the would be voices in my head here.

About 20 minutes ago someone started yelling "die, die" on the radio. The yelling was superimposed onto other voices, as if two stations were interfering with each other. My first thought was, that's weird, there was no interference a moment ago. Then I thought, how can they play something like that during the holidays, don't they have any sense of responsibility? Then I thought, as an artistic expression that's bullshit.

Then I thought, maybe it's not really there, maybe it's in my head.

I always figured that hallucinations would be somewhat personal. If someone was yelling "die, die, I want you to die" he'd be addressing me. You know, like in the movies. I mean, why would you be a non participant in your own imagination? It'd be, I don't know, superfluous and rude.

I feel an urge to call the radio station to confirm that the "die die, *mumble, mumble*, die, DIE! I want you to die" was some jazz musician's avant garde, narcissistic, bullshit attempt at being called genius, and that the station *actually* played that, because it's just *so* risque.

Yeah, it freaked me out. My hands were shaking.

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