I described earlier how, when I realized that all of those deleted, but delivered messages, made me look crazy I sent Frank a message.
It was a quite dignified message. I said that the way I'd reacted had freaked me out, and that because I had he would need to decide what, if anything, he wanted from me. I asked him, for my sanity's sake, to, in the meantime, stay away. I ended it with:
Once you have gotten yourself sorted, contact me and tell me why I should accept you back into my life.
This was his reply:
I have no idea what's up with your life, and I'm sincerely sorry if things are not going well for you. You seemed to have things very much together when we last talked, way back when (as much, or more, than most functioning adults), I see you've moved, I see you're alive, and I don't know what could have gone wrong, but I hope it's not permanent or lasting …
That said, dear sweet Jesus, no thanks. I am not going to "tell you why you should accept me back in your life". Clearly you have lost your mind. I wish you the very best.
- Notice how his message is kind of an unapologetic, unsympathetic, outraged non well-wish?
- He knows I've moved, he must made an effort to find out, which is not congruent with his indifference.
- He is seriously insulted that he should have to justify his presence in my life – the audacity! – I am crazy to think that he should.
There are a few things that are telling about how I reacted to this:
I immediately accepted that he is the one who is wronged. I went into diplomatic negotiation mode, and tried to straighten the misunderstanding out. I reflexively went out of my way to smooth his ruffled feathers, and completely ignored the fact that he is a bit of a dick.
Then I spent a significant amount of time soul searching – I even wrote a poem – during which I obstinately refused to acknowledge that he is getting his panties in a twist over a plea to be considerate, and that it is in fact he who has the problem here, not I.
Why do I do this? It looks suspiciously like an elaborate justification for being in love with an asshole.