2013-04-08

Oh, right, that's what friends are for

My psychiatrist likes to point out that you have allow your friends some flaws lest you be friendless.

It seems fitting given that I tend to withdraw from people who have traits I find disagreeable.

Presumable it also means to withhold criticism and opinions that are too costly, that is to say, avoid calling someone a moron if you want to keep Moron as a friend.

It's hard to conflate that with that selfless, bidirectional generosity that friendship is supposed to be made of. I accept you, you accept me, but only if I give you more latitude.

Perhaps the rules are different for different people. If you're lucky or skilled enough to have social status then a wider range of behaviors are acceptable while needing to accept less.

Yeah, I know it sounds bitter. Even if sociability gives you an advantage it's not something I want to hide behind or use to explain my own failures.

I am trying to understand why I find myself here. Lonely, sad, realizing that the thing I miss about Frank is sharing bad stuff that happens. It's not that he was particularly empathetic or helpful, but he was in a similar environment so he could at least relate.

Even when he couldn't, there was something other than aether on the other side of my unhappy ramblings.

I can't decide if I lost more than I gained, or if what we had was as good as it gets. If I needed less I wouldn't ... if I felt more secure ... if I wasn't so desperate to be heard ... if I wasn't so uncertain ... well, if I wasn't I would need less and I could let others need more.

But in the end he rejected me and I am still the same person so I need just as much as I did, and besides it's not up to me. I'm just the one sitting here alone.

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