I wanted to write about Frank, because despite my best intentions he has been on my mind. I wrote something longish about it earlier today and my mind, as always, went in gazillion directions.
One thing that stod out was the shame. You're not supposed to get your panties in a bunch over a guy. You're definitely not supposed leave your panties in a bunch over an extended, let's call it seven years, period. It's unseemly. Undignified. It makes your friends uncomfortable and extremely extrovertedly sensible. OMG do they get fucking sensible. Like they iron their knickers every morning.
So, there is lot's of shame, that I feel so much, too much, for someone who doesn't feel the same. There is shame that I have stuck around despite feeling mistreated and unappreciated. There is shame that I kept a secret hope that the sex would bind him to me. And that one's a double whammy, because I tried to pull it off as sexual expression, in addition to the whole shame of the falling into the men are from mars women are from venus.*
There is so much shame. I simply stopped talking about him with other people. It made me feel too self conscious, and apart from increasing irritation at my continued undignified behavior people's reactions were invariably the same: you need to dump him.
Seriously. When did you last dump someone you speak to every day?
And that's all good and well. I can deconstruct the shame for the most part and see the irony is how we elevate love and loathe the scorned lovers. It's weird how we react to other people's pain with hate.
So, yeah I miss him. I haven't contacted him since the beginning of January when I sent a goodbye email in response to being unfriended on Facebook. I have seen him on IM though. Up until a few days ago when he disappeared. For all I know he is on vacation, but my brain is going "what the fuck did I do this time?! You fucking prick. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!!!"
* Yes, it's OK if what you do conforms to typical gendered behavior. It doesn't undermine the whole idea that you are an individual. It's just not quite as simple to apply this logic.