2013-01-29

More on narcicism

I went to 3's cube, but she's not here, so now I'm imagining her by E's side, motherly, comforting, positively encouraging.

I feel left out, and the center for how you're supposed to feel and act in my brain is righteously condemning me for insisting on making E's illness about me.

I blame this self-conscious over-analysis on the teenaged me. I spent a lot of time with my diaries exploring the real motivations behind my actions. I never really realized that wanting to be nice but also wanting attention doesn't make the latter the real reason for doing something. It took even longer to realize that wanting attention is not a sign of moral corruption, but that's a bit of a side issue.

It's distracting to notice all these ambivalent and competing feelings though. It takes me away from the moment. And the magnification of negative and unwanted feelings is, I think, ultimately what makes every situation about me. I'm always second guessing, working on how to improve, chewing things over and over and over.

I emailed 3 and she is equally in the dark, which makes me even more concerned about E (and a little relieved, of course, because I had no cause to be jealous).

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