I don't make a lot of plans. Partially, it's because I don't want to deal with not going through with them. I can't stress enough how distressing it is to yet again make plans and then sleep through the date or just sort let time pass without getting out of the house.
The other part, is about all the things that I haven't done, and the time I owe, and not planning makes that time available for making up for all the stuff I let slip.
I have gotten better at making the decision not to go through with things (because that feels better), but I still do that thing where I put off thinking about something until it's too late to do whatever it is. Then I heave a sigh of relief and go back to reading my book.
It adds up, years of this adds up, and actually making decisions and plans are now so fraught with guilt and anxiety that I avoid it as much as I can.
It effects other things too.
I skipped going to my therapist this morning, in that sort of slip sliding way. And my therapist called back about finding a different better time, because I do this so often and early morning times are are at a premium. I sort of agreed to Wednesdays during the day, because I work from home then, but I know that the only time that's even remotely likely to happen is early morning. So, so, disappointed in myself, but also abandonment issues. Part of me wants to be so special that I can keep my premium time and part of me is angry that she doesn't understand the self destructiveness at work here and part of me just want to let go and stop going altogether because in the end I am just another patient.
It feels hopeless. I can't stick to anything so I loose everything. I loose everything because I can't muster up the will to hang on to it. And I deserve it. Deserve, deserve!