So, he is not talking to me. The last time I heard from him was Saturday. He said howdy on IM and then he stopped responding. Some hours later I irritable asked why he starts conversations and then takes off without saying anything.
I'm sure what happened then, is what usually happens, RL took over. But I've heard nothing since. I sent some messages to the effect of what's going on? Then some others, that were just random, then one about how it's uncool to be ignored.
What happened? Am I supposed to figure it out? Ok, hmm:
He took offense that I complained about his erratic behavior on IM, or
he took offense at a later message where I wrote that I don't understand the parameters of our friendship*, or
he took offense that I forgot his birthday**, or
he read my blog and choose one post as representative of my "real feelings" and decided never to talk to me again, or
he met someone new and decided I am somehow not worthy of normal consideration, or
he is busy with family and holiday and decided I don't require normal consideration, or
something happened, and he remains logged into IM on his phone while dying in the ICU***.
Of course, he has done this before, he usually withdraws when he is pissed off, but generally I know why. Except he has done that too, he has gone on the Silent Treatment Offensive before and not relented until I figured out what I did wrong.
It's actually fucking annoying that he expects me to figure out what the hell is wrong when when the shoe is on the other foot he just tells me it's all in my head. When he gets mad, it's my fault, when I get mad it's in my head and in both cases it's my responsibility to sort it out.
I am sure his experience is similarly all suffering. Maybe he feels he is being low maintenance by not burdening me with all his thoughts and feelings, as apposed to me, who vomits emotional brouhaha.
A thought that's been going round and round in my mind is that being friends with Frank is worse than having no friends at all. It's no expectations versus constantly being reminded that you're just that person who is always available when he has nothing better to do. It hurts. It makes me list all the reasons why I deserve being treated like that. I wish I'd stop oscillating between I'm just an amusing aside and "sure, we're friends! Of course, he cares."
When he comes back and tells me how busy he's been, I imagine telling him I don't forgive him. Beyond him being strapped to a hospital bed, there is no excuse not to say: hey, I'm busy. I doubt I will though. I can't muster any anger, there is just this dull, aching sadness.
It is a measure of how far I have come that this is not all encompassing. I think about it, but not constantly. I am hurt, but I am not howling at the moon. I love him, but in a distant aching way instead of that frantic, knife-wielding, crazy way.
But roommate's right, while he remains in my life I won't make room for any other people.
* With other people I know where I stand, in terms of who I can ask for help if I'm in trouble. It's symptomatic of how dysfunctional I am in this relationship that I don't think he would care. I mean, it's masochistic.
** Him being upset over forgotten bday would be odd; he has never remembered mine, nor has he ever given my a Christmas present despite the fact that I have given him one almost every year since we first met. (Yeah, so I play to win, even when I have already lost, what of it?)
*** That's some serious battery life.