2012-11-22

Loneliness & maybe I should email to draft

I saw J the other day. It's been months and his wife's had a baby since, yet he flirted outrageously and purred liked a cat when I laughed and told him he's too pretty to exist.

He leaned against me. Just a few seconds and I pretended to scold him. It reminded me that no one bodily leans against me, not otherwise either for that matter. I felt the warmth of his body and it was so oddly comfortable to be touched.

In the end he told me he's at my service should I want some no-strings-attached sex. He'll arrive with the dental dam wielded.

I can't decide if I keep ending up in this position because no man would consider a relationship with me or because I come off as detached and beyond mere dating. I suppose the latter is more soothing for my pride, but in the end it doesn't matter. Not being able to forge close attachments makes for long, quiet evenings.

With Frank it's weird. I have worked long and hard to become indifferent. It makes me sad sometimes that pining doesn't make me cry anymore. What's more, the more I distance myself from him, the further I slide from everyone else. Protecting myself from his not-girlfriend-material makes all other relationships equally impossible. Which worries my therapist. And I think I agree, although I can't tell her, this disassociated state seems more likely to lead to disastrous impulsive actions. It reminds me a bit of the sociopath state induced by prozac. Except, of course, I'm not. It's just that I can't seem to have the appropriate emotions at the appropriate times. I've always been baffled by this, how I have swallow that lump in my throat at the Star Spangled Banner but have to kick-start emotions IRL. Sex is the worst -- it's better, I used to feel nothing, as if the whole excitement thing was merely theoretical -- but I have to work hard at immersion. Even with alcohol and effort there are still two people, the one fucking and the other watching me playing at being human.

Mike sent a text the other day making sure I was alive. He clearly found me as hard to talk to me as always. I don't know why I am so tightly wound around him, but I am. Sneering is the best defense for one's fragile self confidence. But of all the people I don't keep in contact with, yet consider friends, he's is the one I'd call on if I lost it again.

Abrupt change of topic:

I re-realized today I need to email to draft rather than publish. While the entries disappear from the blog when reverted to draft there is no way to un-post to the RSS feed. A solution would be to just have intros in the feed, but I despise when other ppl do that. (It's annoying to have click through to some webpage which may or may not (usually not) be low vision friendly.)

I should do something though, posting my pretentious ramblings accidentally (I keep hitting send on the iPhone) will not do. I hate sounding as if I take myself as seriously as I do. Even semi anonymous alter egos deserve some dignity.

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