Just in case you were thinking I was getting my shit together and expanding my consciousness and stuff.
There was another argument with Frank that's stalled at a complete silence from His side.
So, I am sort of lingering on an island of detached sadness. I am enjoying the ability to think and engage in daily life without being completely high-jacked by this situation. But there is also a certain regret and sadness that what I am feeling, what I was feeling, such crazy passionate insanity, is dying.
I really hope it's not dying, but turning into something better; that as I grow my integrity, overcome my insecurities and fixations, this relationship will mature into mutually cherished, respectful, adult friendship.
But, yeah. I don't know.
I also have moments of such poisonous bitter anger, that it seems inconceivable that I'll ever be able to look at him and see anything but debt. All the time I spent thinking, writing and rewriting emails, explaining, swallowing my pride and hurt, knowing full well that he was my sun and I was one of his moons. Inspired, huh?
I need to stop reading Guy Gavriel Kay. Makes me blubb and roll my eyes. It's wearing out my contacts.