2012-09-28

I am congealing into cynicism

My precarious, co-dependent financial situation took another disappointing turn today. My friend let the account balance on a shared account go negative again, incurring overdraft charges. I left an upset message and she texted me that I knew she was low on money this month.

I took the step of contacting a couple management firms, to get a handle on what's required to have the whole things managed by professionals. Unsurprisingly, money. And the end of friendship, such as it is anyway.

Frank told me the other day that if i fill IM with the "minutiae" of my every moment I'd have to expect comments. I don't have a problem with comments. I do with the "minutiae" though. I know it was a joke, but I don't care any more. It wasn't an OK thing to say. So, either he acknowledges that or I'll simply stop sharing my banal life. Or I'll break down and apologize to him for getting hurt.

It feels different, all of it. I tend to err on the side of empathy, but I am tired and sad and disillusioned. I don't seem to have it in me. I am neither a bank nor Dalai Llama. I know this is partially depression talking; everything feels so excruciatingly pointless. I also know it's the result of realizing that I don't enforce boundaries, that I have to. That in the end I can't let everyone around me go into debt unknowingly, and then resent them for not paying up.

If I set the ground rules and don't let anyone break them, then no debt will be incurred, no regular maintenance of forgiveness will be required, and no restating of why I remain involved with people who don't seem to care about me needed. I wouldn't scramble for justifications that make me sound like I am suffering from battered person syndrome.

I am congealing into someone with doesn't give a fuck.

I realized that one of my oldest friends didn't invite me to her wedding. Any of her weddings. Actually, none of the people I invited to my first wedding invited me to theirs. It makes me sad on an abstract level. The old me accepted this as a consequence of being very self-centered and neglectful of relationships. The new me thinks I should be hurt but can't muster any feelings. I don't have friends, for the reasons I mentioned. And if those failures were caused by depression, what of it? If all you provide is distracting minutiae then you can't really expect any deeper feelings on the part of others.

And yeah, I know, I'll wake up anxious, heart pounding, hyper aware of my loneliness, one of these days. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

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