This post started as an addendum to yesterday's Circling around and around, which is about how Frank still doesn't want me now that he's breaking up with his girlfriend. Which sucks, and make me feel bad in so many different ways.
Update since 8/24, 8AM:
Had a conversation yesterday evening with H about how complex and ambiguous the human mind is, and how we are driven by inexplicable motives toward goals that seem contrary to what we want or need. Like an alcoholic who keeps drinking, or remaning in love with someone who is not reciprocating. We agreed that much of the time we frame our wants in what we should want and then we're surprised and angry and full of self hate when we do contrary things.
H described it as his body wanting one thing and his mind another. He said he'd sat himself down the day before to feel it out. He came to some revelatory results (and wouldn't it have been awesome if I'd asked for specifics here?), one of them seemed to be to acknowledge that his apprenticeship was boring and he wanted to spend more time on his garden business.
It's easy here to make the mistake of calling the outcome this kind of searching "the real truth" or "what I really want". It's easy, because it's so psychology, so new agey, to hide, even from oneself, "actual" motives. In reality, I think, that we just obscure, or willfully refuse to investigate, our wants and needs, because they are contradictory and not in line with the ideals we set up for ourselves. We're highly critical, judgmental and dichotomous, so it seems like an excellent defense.
I'd like to get away from notions of hidden real truths, magical spiritual journeys to enlightenment, and I'd also like to get away from idealism, elitism and self-judgements, and just be able to look at myself (as NVC says) empathically.
In the spirit of that: I'd like to give a relationship with Frank a go, and I'd really rather not feel bad about wanting that. Which means keeping the internal tear-down machine ("I'm am only good for a blow job", "it's crazy, stupid, pathetic to want someone who doesn't want me") idling, and not discussing Frank with other people; since that will inevitable lead to "c'mon grllll, move on!", which will in-turn rev the tear-down machine. See how I stuck with that metaphor there?
In other news. The friend, H, I mentioned above; I met him at the gym late last year, and I really liked him (as did everyone else, he's the kind of person I'd love to be.) We fell out of contact when he moved. Fell out of contact means, like it always does, that I stopped responding to communications and never initiated any of my own. This is why I don't have friends. So, right, where was I? We fell out of contact, then I heard from a guy at the gym that H had moved back to the area. It took me another 4 weeks to decide to contact him to find out if he wanted to have dinner. He did, and we did, and it was great. Take that social anxiety!