Despite the recent down turn, I am feeling overall much better than in the past. Sure, I had those suicide contemplatives, but then I got going again, at work, at playing music, at reading. And I still haven't killed the plants on my porch. Some them I grew from seeds, even. They seem happy enough. There was a close call this weekend but I got back into the watering. The plants must have been alive for at least a month now.
Have you ever seen 28 Days with Sandra Bullock? Bullock ends up doing rehab where it's suggested to her, and the other patients, that they can pursue a romantic relationship once they've kept a plant alive for a year. That struck a chord with me, mainly because it seemed impossible. But maybe it isn't anymore.
See how weird that is? I don't do long term plans, and a plant is a long term plan. You have to keep on watering it until the end of time.
I may be pessimistic, but I am also hopeful, so hopeful that I must have killed hundreds of plants. I buy them hoping that their very presence will inspire change. I have bought increasingly hardy plants, but it doesn't matter. Without water they eventually die. And none of them ever inspired me to change.
The change happened inside of me. It was done with seroquel, ritalin and nuvigil. Yeah, you think self discipline is the way to go? Pulling oneself up by the bootstraps? Some CBT or DBT if things seem really bleak? Some acupuncture and holistic medicine (cuz it's natural like hemlock)? Good for you. Call me crazy, but western medicine made me sane.
See, there is a future. I never had one before. It always seemed retarded, like believing in garden gnomes. I couldn't touch or see it, it was uncertain, and because I couldn't follow through I had no power over it. So, in all ways that matter it didn't exist. Now it does. I got faith. I water my plants.
28 Days: Besides being funny and touchingly, it's an excellent description of addiction. It's honest enough to show that it's fun to be drunk.