2012-08-24

Circling around and around

Frank is in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend and I am floundering. Suddenly, I am jealous of who he sends his time with and hurt when I am not invited. This is not a place I want to be in. And there is shame too, that I keep holding despite implicit and explicit rejection. Friends' helpful advice to drop him (some angry, some disdainful) is looping in my head. I don't want that roller coaster thing in the pit of my stomach when he checks in from some bar on Facebook. I though I was past that.

I have two options as I see it: I can ask if he is interested or I can try to beat down the feelings and the hope as best as I can on my own. The part of my that thinks it's undignified and humiliating to ask and be rejected is opting for the second, and so is the cynical part of me because it recalls that it's hard to get straightforward answers out of Frank. The optimistic part of me thinks it's the rational thing to do, and if I am lucky he'll produce a unambiguous no.

I mean, despite all this, I am not certain that I want a relationship with him. There is too much shit there. There are already established destructive behavioral patters. I guess I want to be wanted. Whatevs.

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