2012-07-20

Doubts & Regrets

I'd like not to have them.

So, I slept with Frank again and even though you've missed out on a few iterations nothing significant has changed: he is still unavailable and I am still fawning.

The hardest part about making decisions is to retain the priorities that motivated them. A quote recently made the rounds on Facebook: "Don't make decisions when you're angry, don't make promises when you're happy."* This doesn't quite apply to me, but it does highlight the different priority related to different states of mind.

After 37 years I have concluded that the only winning strategy is to make neither promises nor decisions, ever. But while this strategy works, how could not doing stuff not work, it is incredibly sad and overall just stupid.

I do realize that this kind of disordered thinking is related to and caused by reoccurring depression. And what's worse, It can trigger and deepen depression. The lessons learned from years of failing to live up to one's standards will ensure that one remains stagnated indefinitely.

In a perfect world I'd be able to make a decision, remember why, and stick to it until I find some (good, considered) reason not to. Then I'd make a new decision and stick to that.

I'd rather not surprise myself by just tossing well thought out decisions and the strategies to stick to them out the window on a whim.

So, the night prior to last I invited Frank back to my house. Excellent sex ensued, and so forth. But after last time, I'd decided, for very good reasons, not to do this anymore, I'd devised a strategy to curb impulsivity. I even adhered to the strategy, but the motivation wasn't there.

I could blame the alcohol, but I had enough alcohol in almost two years to credibly blame my decisions on intoxication.

Last time I realized, and I seem doomed to re-realize this, that it kind of sucks to be "the other woman". Not being primary is not cool. It makes one theorize about one's inherent value, and one's flaws.

I haven't reached that stage yet, this time, but I am a pessimist, I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

Right now, and this would be of obe of decisions I'd like to keep, it's ok. Don't want to do anything to "break up a happy home," mainly because it seems logical that if he doesn't want to be with me now, chances are he won't want to be with me even if his relationship ends. Certainly if it's somehow caused by our interaction.

But sometimes, as I am reeling from the adrenaline kick from anxiety, it's bitter to have no realistic expectation of support if things should go south.

Sometimes, it's miserable to go to concerts alone.


* I spent a couple of minutes trying to find an attribution, but failed.

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