2012-03-06

Why I Am Too Intense and Destined to a Lonely Life

Letter to D.


Sorry about my lackluster correspondence recently.

Two things are going on, possibly related.

One: I've have a severe mood downturn. Weekends spent feeling utterly alone and frightened. It's very hard to describe, especially if you've never experienced it, and sometimes even when you have (the mind has a way reducing the intensity of pain when it's recollected.) I have no idea what experience you've had with depression yourself, but I sincerely hope it's none. Anyway an attempt at description: I feel as I said utterly alms and frightened because without people life is not worth living. I have friends but none where the connection is understood, unbreakable, unconditional. at these times I imagine this kind of connection is the only thing that will make me feel safe, and I bitterly regret the actions that led to the end of marriage.

At the while knowing my marriage was a chimera. I was very unhappy, but I felt safe because there was someone I could rely on 100%. Or as it turned out, not quite 100%.

It feels like I spend all of my no working hours trying to avoid this dread and loneliness. I do with lorazepam (prescribed) and TV. I feel better when I'm around people but when I am finally alone again that relief also seems like just another desperate trick. It would do me good to spend more time with more people but it's very hard to bring myself to do it. Who'd want to be around some so morose, bitter, quiet, etc? It's hard to see that I'd bring anything to the table. Unless I drink, which invariable lightens my mood, makes extrovert, happy, but this is another kind of trick and after I am left regretting it even if I did nothing to be ashamed of. I regret it because it's not real, it's not me, I can sustain that person. And if I am not that person I am really not fun or interesting or worthwhile to be around.

Weekends and evenings spent with myself are nightmares unless I numb myself with lorazepam.

Two: work is very stressful. I have yet to finish my project, but I do have a production date which I'll hit. I have chats with my boss every morning which are often of the type where I get chided for forgetting something. I am pm, documenter, coder, sysadmin, basically everything, for this project that if it works out will be used by multiple departments. The anxiety level with regards to getting everything done is very high. Probably contributing to my general mood.

In this state I think of you. Trying to figure out how to make you fit in. As a friend, as a potential beau? I don't know how to relate. I don't have the bandwidth to play those coy little games I am suppose to. Or not suppose to.

I liked you quit a bit when we meet. In fact the first time I'd had that quite a bit feeling in a long time, and haven't experienced it since. But where to take that? Is it even possible with my the eternal emotional yoyo and distance and all at.

I'd like to meet you, you know really meet you unencumbered by vodka, but I am worried not just because it's so hard to imagine I have anything to offer, but also because I am terrified that that terrified person inside me is looking for someone to cling on to, someone to make her feel safe.

I know this is a lot. Arguably it's all the wrong things to say, but there you have it. This is why I haven't been writing.

4 comments:

  1. Hi :)

    I'm making an attempt to making an nvc reflection of what you wrote. If you feel like it, you are welcome to correct what I got wrong, and fill in what I missed, as well as confirm if I understood anything of what you wrote and shared in your blog post correctly:


    You would like for the person that you are writing to to feel cared for and to know that their needs matter to you. You would have wanted to get in touch sooner, but you chose not to write, until now, since you've felt down and also been overwhelmed with work, and you've wanted to focus all your energy on yourself, to get rest, and to heal and grow stronger. You've felt too vulnerable to connect with other people, even though people, and connection with others is something that you very much long for.

    You'd like to belong to a community with friends and intimacy, yet you feel fragile in relation to other people, and you'd like to experience understanding and acceptance for yourself and where you are at. At the moment you get this space for yourself best when you are on your own. Yet, being alone also triggers hopelessness and fear in you that you will ever get to a reality where you can experience peace within and connection and togetherness with others. So you try to numb this anxiety with prescription drugs and television.

    When you are with people, on the other hand, you sometimes drink alcohol to feel more relaxed and at ease. These are behaviors you'd like to change, since you don't feel true to yourself when you're under influence. You'd like to be fully present and authentic in your connection with others and yourself, and at the same time it scares you, and you'd like reassurance that there's space for you to be just as you are without taking away any joy or comfort from whoever you are with.

    The person you are writing to is someone who's company you have enjoyed, and you're not sure what type of relation you'd like to have with this person. You would like to meet up again, in sober company, and connect on a personal level. And you would like time and space to see where the relation goes, and you would enjoy expressing yourself openly and honestly around insecurities and curiosity you have in relation to the development of the connection between the two of you. You want to be clear on that you're not sure you are in a place right now where you can see yourself in an intimate relation, since you still need to heal and become more grounded in self-love and self-care.

    And maybe there is some insecurity and vulnerability around how you sharing yourself this way would be received by the other? Cause you would like for the other to have comfort and ease.

    Is the above interpretation anywhere near what you wanted to say?

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  2. I wish I could say that my self imposed isolation was about taking care of myself. It makes it seem so sensible an productive. In reality there is nothing really intentional about it. As it see it it's a result of fear and laziness and fatalism.

    Yes, I get panicked about doing simple things like leaving my house for the xpress purpose of meeting other people. The feeling sits in the pit of my stomach until I give up on the idea.

    The laziness is borne out of a lack of urgency. I have lived semicontently isolated for a long time. Why change?

    And ultimately, because I don't maintain my friendships they inevitable fizzle out. I feel like I can change this behavior, that any decision to do so will just lead to disappointment and self loathing. I have given up on making promises and efforts to change.

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  3. In general you're not wrong a nd specifically: yes, I'd like to be authentic with ppl, and i really do feel that the authentic me doesn't have much offer.

    I know it sounds like dramatic self pity, and sometimes I fell kind of weepy about it, bu mostly it's just true.

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  4. Kagero, what I'm hearing in your first comment is that you isolate yourself in an attempt to protect yourself from getting hurt, that you're trying to create safety for yourself this way, and that it's a behavior that you've had for years. I hear that there is an overwhelming need for protection and safety when it comes to relating with other people, and that you would like for that to change, that you would like to experience connection and intimacy with others, and that you feel a bit lost and hopeless when comes to how to make that happen.

    Am I hearing you right?

    In your second comment, I hear that your loneliness is overwhelming at times, and that there is a lot of sadness going on in you, that you are so longing to belong and to matter.

    Did I get this part right?

    Did I miss anything?

    ReplyDelete