2012-02-16

Round and round

I have a theory about suicide. It goes like this: the more you're exposed to the idea the more you accept it. You start treating it as a friend. It's that one solution that's always there for you. And it's Permanent.

Most people will experience major depression some time during their life time (actually this number is about 10% according to a book I'm reading).. It will be caused by some traumatic event: loosing someone, getting physically hurt or failing at something. Some people, like me, experience it over and over. It comes with no explanation and goes away as mysteriously.

Every time it comes back, and lately, even in the space between, my friend suicide is there. It'd save me from another round trip. I'd never have cry forlornly in the bathtub again. I'd never have to think: "hmm, maybe I should cut myself a little" ever again.

Every time I think about it, imagining myself attaching the rope, getting on the chair and pulling the noose over my head, the less frightening that image becomes. The resistance wears away. The thought of how much I'd hurt others diminishes. The idea of my cats left to an uncertain future is less of a deterrent.

Every time I think of it, the gain seems more obvious. No more struggling to get out of bed. No more binge eating. No more sleeping with other women's boyfriends. No more struggling with meaning and motivation and self-confidence.

The thing that holds me back is fear of dying, fear of not dying but horribly maiming myself, fear of pain, fear of fear.

I don't really want to die, you see. I just don't want to live this life.

I think though, that as time goes on it'll wear away the fear too. Eventually, knowing that I am forever caught in this hamster wheel, incapable of making plans further ahead than a couple of days, knowing that no matter what I decide I'll find myself not doing it because I lost whatever motivation I had when I made the decision. I know that this reoccurring disappointment will eat away at that fear.

I know that at some point I'll stand there with the rope trying to make the decision. And I just wish that if I decide against it, it'd be a decision that'd stick. But I know it won't be. No decision ever sticks if you keep going round and round.

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