2011-05-03

When People Just Make Up Reality as They Go Along

From lunch yesterday:

"I went to an AA meeting yesterday."
Sergey throws his back head and laughs as if I just told a tall tale of delightful mischievousness. Amused querying with regards to age, gender, race, weight representation follows.
"But you're not an alcoholic so why do you go? Ah! You're lonely or something."
Bitter Sweet SymphonyLaughing: "You with your [successful life] is a slap in the face of those other [genuine alcoholics]."
Muttering into my plate: "Or I went for the reason I gave you before --"
"You didn't want to go to the store and buy alcohol," thoughtful, "yes, that's true."
To busy staring into my plate to be exacerbated.
"You're like the girl straight from rehab, haha. Can you imagine a supermodel at one of those meetings?" I can, but I poke at food violently with fork instead of saying so.
"You go there to see those worse off than you, so you can feel you have further to fall..."

From last week:

"[And here is why you're so tightly wound]..." followed by essay on the effect of Western culture on the human mind mixed liberally with arbitrarily chosen theory from the field of psychiatry.
Furiously rejected because Mike neither has the expertise nor the credibility to theorize on my state of mind and I'd prefer he just take me at my word.

My word rejected thoroughly as accurate depiction of reality by refusing to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with telling someone who they are, why they feel the way they do, and what they should do about it. Apology for upsetting me "so much" and promise "not to challenge my worldview" offered as compromise.

Now:

Calculating how long before my five year ban on purchasing firearms is up. Two years, three?

6 comments:

  1. There are some days when I feel we deserve awards for not killing people.

    Perhaps a tax break?

    ReplyDelete
  2. hello..

    I'm having a go at guessing feelings ands needs in nvc style. This is possible more an interpretation than a heartfelt reflection. I hope you're open to me 'poking into' what you wrote - checking to see if I can hear what is going on for you:

    When you told about your visit to AA you felt open and vulnerable - sharing something about the struggle you have in your everyday life - wounds and hurts that you carry around that are not visible to others on the surface. When Sergey laughed and said you don't have a problem it triggered anger - shame - sadness, cause you want to be understood how difficult it is for you to deal with this, and how helpless you feel and how important and yet vulnerable (shaky, nervous) it is for you to reach out for the support you know you need to become more self-caring.

    Is this near to what you're experiencing? Or totally off? Something missing? Any comments you're willing to post on my reflection would be helpful/useful in my learning process of trying to connect with feelings and needs in what people say - so any response is warmly appreciated :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Again guessing feelings and needs:


    When Mike was talking about you, you experienced it as being diagnosed as a problem, and you felt furious - cause you're confident that you know yourself, and would really like to be trusted to know yourself. It was painful to hear Mike, cause you want to be heard and understood by others in a way where you can recognize yourself - you need to experience a shared reality, share an understanding with others. You felt really hurt and sad when by what was said, cause you value a way of connecting where you can remain free to develop at your pace and in whatever direction you see fit for yourself - and you would appreciate doing this in an atmosphere of mutual trust and consideration, where both can feel equally safe to speak your reality without suppressing the other.

    Do you recognize yourself in this? Something that doesn't fit? Something missing?

    ReplyDelete
  4. you wrote: "Now:Calculating how long before my five year ban on purchasing firearms is up. Two years, three?"

    guessing feelings/needs:

    You feel really hurt - pissed off - sad, and utterly helpless - powerless, you desperately need space/relations where you can exist on your own terms and have these terms recognized and respected.

    Is this near to what you're saying?

    ReplyDelete
  5. @ifbyyes Hah! Indeed. =)

    @milla Thanks for spending the time, I had to collect my thoughts for a while. You touch on a number of different things and you're getting my feelings right. I think that's fantastic for us both because it means I actually can communicate and you heard it and was able to reflect.

    Sergey & AA: Yes, shame is the feeling here. However, it's shame at being "found out." I had a hard time going to AA at all. I was troubled by the fact that I wasn't a daily drinker and not technically addicted. I felt sheepish enough to stick my "Am I a poser?" question in the basket at one of the beginner-FAQ-AA meetings. I almost cried when i was told, "dude, if you're here you probably need to be."

    Sergey poked at that sore spot although there is actually no way for him to know how much alcohol I consume now or how much I have consumed in the past. It's obvious he is drawing conclusions with absolutely no data which is quite typical of him. So I am angry because he is bullshitting like always, but he still managed to get me.

    My true vulnerability here is that I need support that I made the decision to go to AA. I don't want it questioned or second-guessed or redefined.
    It's a pretty strong emotional thing for me, needing stuff, people telling it's "just something else," like, it's me "just wanting attention." As if we have suddenly been transferred to another planet where attention isn't a base human need.

    Mike: yes, furious. I was trying to, in a nice a personal way, explain why I thought the spiritual stuff he was foisting on me was bullshit. I don't believe things will suddenly just "feel right," or magically "fall into place." I mean, to be frank, I think "love at first sight" is a retarded notion.

    I think you have to work on that stuff, in relationships, in reality. Some of us are more guarded than others, in order to feel safe and be able to relax and be impulsive we have to create an environment of trust and mutual understanding. For me that means agreeing beforehand how to deal with the tab at a restaurant, he prefers a undefined, romantic approach based who feels like paying or what feels right at the time.

    Instead of trying to understand why for me the feel-right approach wasn't ever going to work, or finding some kind of compromise, he decided to figure out what was wrong with me.

    Perhaps being "nice" and trying to be respectful by trying to explain why something won't work or why you don't believe in a supernatural force is just opening to the door for the other person to completely ignore the fact that what you're saying is actually true for you. Somehow your very attempt at explaining is an indication that you're not sure. Your refusal to speak in slogans is a symptom of someone who just haven't found the right path.

    Yeah, it really pisses me off.

    Guns: yeah, helplessness. First off I hate getting into situations where people will not listen to me or they tell me how I feel or what I think. Life becomes this never-ending pr0n with a guy huffing "yeah, baby you like that, huh!" Sometimes it seems the only real way of making myself heard is by shutting other people up. Secondly, I can't stop re-running these situations in my head. For each iteration the helplessness just grows. Sometimes it seems the only way of quieting myself is by shutting myself up.

    ReplyDelete