A Post in Which I Complain About My Lot in Life
My mind is snaring itself hateful self-loathing stuff. I can't seem to reflect on my state without the words "I suck" sneaking in. I haven't been to work in two days. Yesterday, I "accidentally" typed into Frank's IM window (my typing will alert his client and presumably him). I of course never hit enter, but simply closed the window and then spent quite a bit of time having fantasy conversations with Frank about what I just did. Along the lines of:
Me making window pop open.
F: What was that for?
M: You know what it was for.
M: Well, whatever you think it was that's what it was. Just trying to get your attention without actually doing something.
M: Just goes to show what a moron I am.
While the rest of my fantasies are just more of the same -- none of the "of, course I want to be your friend! You didn't get my friend request on facebook? Here, I'll friend you again." that I am so desperate for -- at least he responds in them. I have no idea why I bother with day dreams that actually make me feel worse. I suppose if I imagined a happy outcome I'd have to beat myself up for being such a pathetic needy bitch.
I know something's wrong when my thoughts are chasing their tails like this. When I feel so crappy even a connection with a guy to whom I am not a real person seems like a good idea, a step up, a way to feel a bit better, a validation... that's when I should step back and ask myself what the hell is going on.
Why am I not going to work, why I am not sorting my shit out? Why am I not calling my therapist in a panic? I just got an invite to a party tomorrow night, and I want to go and get drunk and accidentally fall off a bridge and die.
I hate that I can't tear myself out of this place. God, and I hate all well meaning advice I can hear forming in your brains. Just swallow it down. Unless you intend to literally come over and punch me in the face until I get off my lame ass and start walking anything you have to contribute is meaningless. I am back in the everything is fucking meaningless zone.
[edit: slightly later]
*sigh* I think people who make statements with regards to other people's states of mind are morons, and yet I insist on doing it myself. Of course the only thing I can say about Frank and his motivations is that since I said if I can't be an "official friend" he shouldn't bother talking to me he hasn't spoken to me. The rest is bitter speculation as to the asholishness of his being. And mine. Especially when I feel like this.