I Also Think I May be Going Crazy
I finally found my glasses. I am sure it's a not coincidence that it coincided with a wildly manic cleaning of my house. They were inside my desk. Could only have discovered that if I first uncovered the desk, so to speak.
The manic is not an exaggeration exactly. I was running from room to room, slamming doors, throwing things into piles, loading boxes with all the stuff strewn everywhere to store in the garage -- dammit I was just attacked by a spider -- the cats were ducking when I came rushing by. All the fans were running full blast. My sweaty back is caked with dusty dirt. God, it must be disgusting in here. No wonder the cat is coughing.
I have also been working non stop since Sergey's assholish bullshit Friday. And with non stop I mean Saturday, then Sunday never going to sleep, then going to work Monday, then today from home for 12 hours straight.
This makes me think maybe it wasn't cool to stop taking all my medications and replace them with Provigil.
This insane energy reminds me of stuff I used to do when I was in my twenties before I started on all the meds. I used to brush my carpets for hours with a handbrush to get the cat hairs out. You know, the flaying carpet kind of carpet (minus the flying of course). I had two of them. For some reason they seemed to to suck cat hairs in. Perhaps because I didn't vacuum much.
Now I am wondering if my moronic psychiatrist's diagnosis of bipolar was actually correct. It would mean that this burst of of hyperactivity will be followed by another 14 years of listlessness. Got to be the longest cycles in history.
I am also getting terrified. Also not an exaggeration. When I was taking the boxes to the garage the neighbor's dog was barking like crazy. I informed i him helpfully he is on the other side of the fence. When I was bringing the second box it was dead quiet, and I had to use all of my adult fear-of-the-dark suppressing skills to shove the image of a vicious dog waiting for me just out of reach of the garage light. When I forced myself to take the trash out I discovered that one of the cats had decided to escape and as I went to pick her up my whole body was tense with the fear that as I got closer to her she'd turn into a monster.
Every night for a week now I have been waking up from indescribable nightmares having to turn on the lights to go back to sleep.
The nightmares, the fears of supernatural crap is also stuff I remember from my twenties. What follows is preoccupation with my body, lumps everywhere, irregular heartbeats, weird sensations when I breathe, fear so intense I have to walk fast, fast around the block in the middle of the night to staunch it.
So far no plans to test if I can fly though although my bicycling has changed from my timid watchfulness to something approaching speeds a normal person might ride at. Overall, despite the annoying supernatural fears I think it's for the better, but like my current moronic psychiatrist pointed out: of course you feel better, you're taking a stimulant.