It's been sneaking up on my for a while, but it became obvious Monday: my life revolves around men, all my relationships have an undercurrent of sex.
Frank had been quiet for weeks, Mike had been uncharacteristically silent ever since he spent the night the week before, Sergey disappeared off for lunch and then to the train without a word despite the fact that we've been eating and commuting together for months.
There I was, all of my dysfunctional relationships highlighted. None of them a friendship, per se, all of them with males who will not for whatever reason clarify what they feel about me or what their expectations are. Instead when they are displeased they withdraw leaving me to wonder what the fuck I did.
I have no ongoing, strong interactions with women. There are a few friendships forged in my past which I keep barely hanging on via Facebook. Other than that my life is devoid of women and female role models.
Yeah, I know, a relationship with another woman could be just as dysfunctional and sexually fraught as any with a man. Statistically it's less likely though (it's numbers that make heterosexuality normative). But there is a deeper issue here: I choose men over women, am drawn to men over women. I don't view men and women the same. The norm is a kind of unquestioning reverence in the way we treat and think about men, while with women we are much more critical and likely to notice and be unforgiving about faults.
I don't like women because I generally hold them to a much higher standard and I like men because they tend to forgive me all my faults for a smile and glimpse of cleavage.
I hate this shit. Not only does it prevent me from forming relationships based on reality, it also shows how incredibly much I hate myself.