2011-03-10

The Long Goodbye

I have been struggling with Frank since I first met him. It was always I that wanted, needed, cared more. The craving for acknowledgement and his refusal to provide it has been a constant theme. I have felt pathetic and needy and worthless. As I have watched myself through his eyes I have been disgusted at the cowering gratitude for the tiniest crumbs of affection.

Saturday, he sent me an SMS suggesting I send him a picture of me with a plug up my ass, a dildo in my pussy and finger in my mouth, then he'd consider coming over and giving me some cock. I felt playful and mischievous, so I told him he'd have to earn that one.

On Sunday, I outlined the price in an IM, "Reciprocity is required, a pic of a naked chest, and head, yup definitely some tongue to clit action. You'll receive the pic on full payment."

He laughed and said, ""Supply and demand, supply and demand." He has gotten used to and expects my fawning; he even feels entitled to be favored, with no recipricosity required.

"Speaking of, what's up with mr Exotic?"

"We went dancing last night. It's was quite lovely."

"Oh nice … any horizontal mambo ;) ?"

"Yes, that was quite lovely too."

"Haha, no wonder you're trying to strike such a hard bargain."

"Yes, does wonder for the self confidence."

We haven't spoken since. It seems to me that the silence is a power struggle. Whoever breaks it is the more needy. Whenever we have had fights that ended in silent cold wars it was always I who broke down. It's been like a poke in my eye that he won't make the effort.

It is disheartening that he is not willing to even promise me a head job, but it's no surprise, of course. It's just so obvious and crude.

I can't change how he feels. I think I am finally ready to let go.

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