This is the end of my third week on what turned out to be Provigil.

Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive BehaviorIt's still allowing me to stay awake and not feel tired all the time, but it didn't prevent that defeatism from sneaking back in. I feel useless and worthless and what's worse it feels like there is nothing I can do to fix it. It's possible, and why shouldn't it be, that though depression can be triggered by that by now famous "chemical imbalance in the brain," it can be maintained by forever altered thought patterns.  For example, if while you're depressed you take in and nurse and make yours the idea that you are nobody, then why shouldn't that lesson remain within even as your chemical depression recedes?

This is not my idea, of course. I got it from the self help book Brain Lock. I didn't find it very helpful per se, but it's interesting in parts. After the long self-congratulatory introduction it describes how the brain changes when you suffer from OCD. You practically burn in certain thought patterns that you then can't relieve yourself of. I don't see why the same couldn't be true for for other notions we consider as "true," and notions that become true because we keep repeating them to ourselves. What also comes to mind are those "think positive"-tapes that are joked about in movies. Clearly, repeat something enough and it becomes true. is a bit of a classic. Presumably the reason why we're not all thinking positive by now is that you have to believe the message.

After endless hours of therapy I can say that therapy does not deliver self-worth. I am aware of my troubled thinking, of the way I sabotage myself, of how I avoid responsibility, and how I am better than everyone and really pissed off that no-one ever acknowledges that and in the same time useless, unreliable, pathetic, empty and able to understand why most people are quite indifferent to me.

While my brain is eating itself I have trouble being entertaining with Mike; I am fighting to keep the sadness over Frank at bay and work feels hopeless. The proverbial pink slip seems to hover by my cube, because I cannot finish anything, because I embarrassed my boss and lost the confidence and trust of people I have never even met, and because I just suck.

At least I am not sleeping or rearranging icons on my desktop..

1 comment:

  1. @ifbyyes I had a bit of a posting faux pas, and had to repost, killing your comment.

    I agree with you: I have never found positive thinking, as in positive affirmations meaningful. But it does seem it should have a brain washing effect if repeated enough. Of course when your affirmations turn sarcastic, which they will if you have any self awareness, that's probably not helpful.

    The trouble with realistic thinking, for me personally, is to define realistic and to accept it. If I manage some kind of prediction based on previous performance, I feel so disappointed that that's all.