Last night I got drunk off the leftover wine from mr Mike Exotic's last visit. 20 hours later, I still feel dazed and I have a headache. It's funny how alcohol tolerance is to alcohol consumption as endurance is to exercise.
When the drunken melancholy set in I sent a text to Frank: "That's it huh? The sex is not worth a pic and an orgasm?" I suppose it wouldn't make me cringe as much to admit the text had he actually replied. But he didn't. So, here I sit, cringing.
I keep thinking if I can figure out the mechanics of this fixation then I won't need validation from him anymore. But I am going on five years now. Perhaps there are no mechanics, perhaps it's just discipline and suppression of thoughts and longings as they surface, until they finally stop.
Mike told his girlfriend about me last week. He said he had to because there are feelings. That's not obvious to me at all. I never would have told Ted about Frank had I not been put in a position of telling the truth or outright lies. I had feelings for Frank all along. I denied it at the time but Ted was right, I would have left him for Frank, had Frank wanted me.
This is what makes Mike extraordinary. He has a more honest approach, and a more refined sense of right and wrong, than I. He also has the courage to follow through. He knew she might choose to never see him again but he told her anyway.
Amazingly he convinced her to let him keep us both.