One of my absolutely worst traits is that I can't seem to ever forget a slight. Ted used to say I kept a tally in my head. He was so irritated by this that he could see the numbers go up through my eyes. He was right, despite years, I could never forget the things he said that hurt me, and I'd recall them whenever we had an argument.
(I am also in need of forgiveness, it seems. Ted tried to forgive me, but failed. It makes me desperately sad to think of him spending that intense effort he is capable of, to research and come up with a book that would help us move on. I never read it. I tried. I can understand why people get embroiled in religion. I have no way to deal with the guilt, no way to make it up to him. It would help to have a entity that could step in and absolve me.)
With Frank it's the same: whenever I feel hurt all the old wounds start to itch, every little pinprick, every cut start to open up. I still remember and still dislike classmates from elementary school that betrayed me. I also remember teenage disputes with if not perfect recall, then at least much of the shame, anger, hurt still attached to the memories. And it influences my view of these people, even after conversations to the effect of "I am not longer the same person I used to be." And yet, and yet, when we speak and you're dismissing me or correcting me or being impatient about my inability to agree with you, I remember that's just who you used to be.
My acute memory, my fixation with things that made me feel bad, is why every altercation becomes such a catastrophe, especially if it's not resolved immediately. Every hour that goes by is just more time for me to remember how wronged I am. I simply can't seem to drop it, and I have to resolve it somehow. The fixes that I come up with are invariable final: I have to break it off.
The fact that I can't stick to my resolutions are added to the long list of evils that have been done to me.
Frank started talking to me again today. He can't comprehend my hurt or indignation at being ignored. And I have forgiven him. Anything else is unthinkable. I can't stand the intensiveness of feeling so hurt, and without the hurt I can't see a reason not to keep on keeping on. So, I'll just add it to the tally.