2011-02-14

Forgiving but Never Forgetting

One of my absolutely worst traits is that I can't seem to ever forget a slight. Ted used to say I kept a tally in my head. He was so irritated by this that he could see the numbers go up through my eyes. He was right, despite years, I could never forget the things he said that hurt me, and I'd recall them whenever we had an argument.

Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope(I am also in need of forgiveness, it seems. Ted tried to forgive me, but failed. It makes me desperately sad to think of him spending that intense effort he is capable of, to research and come up with a book that would help us move on. I never read it. I tried. I can understand why people get embroiled in religion. I have no way to deal with the guilt, no way to make it up to him. It would help to have a entity that could step in and absolve me.)

With Frank it's the same: whenever I feel hurt all the old wounds start to itch, every little pinprick, every cut start to open up. I still remember and still dislike classmates from elementary school that betrayed me. I also remember teenage disputes with if not perfect recall, then at least much of the shame, anger, hurt still attached to the memories. And it influences my view of these people, even after conversations to the effect of "I am not longer the same person I used to be." And yet, and yet, when we speak and you're dismissing me or correcting me or being impatient about my inability to agree with you, I remember that's just who you used to be.

My acute memory, my fixation with things that made me feel bad, is why every altercation becomes such a catastrophe, especially if it's not resolved immediately. Every hour that goes by is just more time for me to remember how wronged I am. I simply can't seem to drop it, and I have to resolve it somehow. The fixes that I come up with are invariable final: I have to break it off.

The fact that I can't stick to my resolutions are added to the long list of evils that have been done to me.

Frank started talking to me again today. He can't comprehend my hurt or indignation at being ignored. And I have forgiven him. Anything else is unthinkable. I can't stand the intensiveness of feeling so hurt, and without the hurt I can't see a reason not to keep on keeping on. So, I'll just add it to the tally.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous24/2/11 16:11

    I wonder if one basis for depressive-anxious neuroses is not a too self-aware egocentrism, that for being it becomes also a self-conscious egocentrism; all people is egocentric at heart, as this is, I think, a fatally present foundation of the human mind, but to most people their egocentrism is blissfully oblivious, they will act and interact socially on the basis of their individual egocentrism but without being aware of it. They just "are" and "do" without too much worries about consequences and implications, and will only be braked by the action of other "selfcenterings" around, thus coming spontaneously to states of precarious equilibrium in their interactions with those others; these precarious states are continuously changing and demanding movements, and common people will regain more or less quickly their balance and will re-accomodate almost automatically after each jolt, as their lack of consciousness and awareness of their individual self centering will maintain them tending to re-equilibrate, like those toys that have a weight in the bottom and regain the vertical even if put upside down, because the unconscious and unaware self-centering would produce the amazing and appalling human capacity to evade responsibility, avoid self-criticism, slide and minimize external criticism and to blame everything and everyone else for all. Depressive-anxious personalities would be, following this idea, lacking or defective in that emotianally equilibrating weight in the bottom, that capacity to not be self-aware, self-critic, self-concious,
    but instead being all this overly so, at least overly so for the social standards; this would conflict with the gregarious innate impulse of the herd or horde spirit present in the human. Wanting to be accepted and integrated in the group and at the same time too thin skinned and self limited by their over self-awareness and derived self-consciousness and self-criticism to accept the normal social rubbing without getting quickly and painfully bruised by it, anxious depresive personalities will depend and rely heavily in the approval and acceptance of others, and as this approval and acceptance is not really existent for anyone, not solidly and continuously anyway -the "normal", "healthy" personalities are rejected alike and are frustrated alike, only they have a lot more capacity of endurance and of adpatation and recovery-, the anxious-depressive will withdraw but without losing the herd impulse, and this and the growing frustration and learned pain from social interaction will constitute the two antinomic impulses that form a neurosis. No arguing intended at all, just saying a working hypothesis, or, less pedantically said, a crazy idea. Dizziderius Erasmus Lumpenamus

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