2011-02-12

Being no one

Everything seems to confirm that I truly am no one. Does this sound familiar? I know it's just temporary: my mind will soon do that trick it does and I'll feel, if not happy, then at least as if there is a layer of skin covering the raw emotions.

Right now every situations just echoes the self-doubt. The beautiful man on the shuttle didn't smile at me, he didn't even look, in fact he seemed to go to some lengths to get out of my line of sight once we reached the train station. And why shouldn't he? I am fat, ugly, old, vulgar.

When Frank finally started talking to me it was to ask my opinion of a guy I once worked for. Frank is considering an offer to work for his company.  I don't get it, why bother asking me? I keep imagining we're close, but I didn't even know he was interviewing. Perhaps I am supposed to be flattered. I get it, it's all in my mind, to him I am no one.

I feels like I have to end this "friendship," end all this suffering that's for naught anyway. It occurred to me today that Sergey is to me as I am to Frank: poking, pushing, wanting unreasonable stuff, causing irritation, resentment, confusion.

It's also occurred to me that Frank is just a diversion from more important things such as work, life, living. Anything really, he is my excuse to never stray far from my comfort zone, because I feel too sad, tired, hurt.

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