2011-02-28

About People

Lean On Me (Single Version)The thing to remember about people, when you're at your worst: feeling lonely and insecure, there is always going to be someone there ready to use that for her own purposes.

It may seem harmless, someone who just wants your attention a little too much. The person may be in a bad way herself, and you feel you should be there for decency's sake, because that's what you'd want, because you shouldn't judge. You can even understand where she is coming from. If the roles were reversed you'd want someone to give a shit about you even if the attention is half-assed like yours.
But you know what? If it doesn't feel right you shouldn't do it. That's it, period.

It's not going to help your insecurity or sense of inferiority or fucked-upness to sacrifice yourself for someone else. Especially not someone who can't back off, give you room to breathe, or take a look at her actions and ask herself if she is asking too much. In fact dealing with people who has figured out how to use your inability to say no and your guilt to get you to reluctantly agree to even to most innocent of activities can only make you feel worse about yourself.

How can doing things for someone, or with someone, who refuses to accept the boundaries that you set up, ever make you feel stronger and better? Isn't she rather increasing your sense of uselessness by confirming that what you feel is not important? In fact, isn't she telling you that all that matters is how others see you, and what others want, because you are no longer competent to judge?

It might give you something at times. You probably think it's worth it. Maybe there are moments of tenderness, of understanding, of closeness, but if on the whole, you want to withdraw, would rather be alone, would rather be dead because all your relationships are like this: people trying to make you do things, make you be someone, or just refusing to acknowledge you as a person, with feelings and innate value, then you got it wrong.

You may think there is only loneliness if you tear these people out of your life. Indeed, they're your only friends. Without them you're the horribly lonely cat-lady. And really, on your good days, it doesn't feel bad to indulge them at the expensive of you. It makes you feel generous.

But you are wrong. The only thing they're doing is sucking away the energy you need to reach out and form normal, healthy relationships with people who do not only take but also give. They are out there: the co-workers that seem nice, but you never get a chance to talk to because your time is always monopolized by someone else; or that instructor in that drawing class that was so concerned when you never showed up again that he called to ask where you'd gone.

Or those friends whose messages you never returned, who have given up on sending you more. They're still there. I promise. They liked you once; they're willing to pick it up again. No, they may never understand what's wrong with you, maybe they'll be more distant, but they'll still be your friends.

So, it doesn't matter if you know how the leeches feel, if you can understand how they struggle, if you see and feel their pain, or if you feel so intensely connected that nothing can replace it. You cannot let people suck the life out of you.

You may have felt like a leech yourself at times, and you may have wished for understanding, and felt overwhelmingly abandoned when you didn't get it, but honestly, if no one was willing to let you bleed them you shouldn't let someone else bleed you. There is only so much we can give, the rest we must save for ourselves.

And if you're here, chances are you have even less to give. Your own mind is your enemy, it's like a stormy sea of emotions all on its own. Don't add other unstable personalities to the mix. Try to find safe ones, who know themselves, who can offer you limited but assuring attention instead of brushes with insanity.

I am counting on you, if you can do it, so can I.

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous28/2/11 12:47

    I can understand very well what is described here. But then I wonder too: don't we all act like this, like "leaches", one way or another, same thing under different clads, constantly or in separated stages? Don´t we all, even those who apparently would look more stable and socially adapted, seek attention and company and support and acceptance, getting suffocating for someone? And then, those mentioned as being able to "give, not only take", really do that? The "giving", is both sincere and satisfactory for us, fulfilling? Or would be their apparent attitude of giving about the same as that in us when we feel virtuous and powerful being #kind# and accepting "the leaches" around?; and then, that kind of attention given to us by those that apparently "give as well as take" is or would be enough for us?, or we all, or the majority, or at least a vast minority, would turn -or show our real self as- needy and want and seek more, turning into leaches ourselves? By reacting to the needy as if they were leaches, us, who are also needy, wouldn't be showing a great lack of empathy, not only to and with those that act as "leaches" to us but also to us, as needies that will also be seen as leaches by others? How much miserable have we felt when we ourselves have been treated as annoying leaches by others?
    How traumatic and decisive can that be for some? There are ways to keep a personal space to rest from the pressure of having others dumping their inner conflicts in us, as we tend to do the same with others, beyond seeing the needy, our comrades in arms, as plain leaches. Maybe it could be good to try to recall constantly that many times is true that "with the measure you measure, you will be measured"?
    DEL

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  2. I agree with you. I think it's pretty common that to have memories of almost having stalked someone. I think it's important to set and learn how to enforce boundaries, both on your own behavior and on others.

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  3. Anonymous3/3/11 03:31

    Hey. I'm new to this page. I totally get what you're saying because i've been through this many times in my life. People who pretend to be there for you when all they reallly do is suck your goodness so that your heart becomes cold and then there are those who deserve it but may never experience it. I had a best friend whom i thought was the only person who knew me best- as it turns out, after she met her current fiancee, she didnt need me anymore and cut me out of her life. That really hurt and i lashed out at her. Now she no longer needs me, my money, my connections or my car- dumb bitch...Somehow i know, i am the better person. thanks for your inspiration.

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  4. I am sorry that happened to you. People seem so short sighted to me. Perhaps that's just life: things change, your affiliations change, but it's fickle and stupid, and somehow very cliche, to dump your friends for your new significant other. The cliche ending to a cliche story is that your friend will find that the SO can't fill all her needs. After some huge fight she'll find herself regretting hurting you and leaving you behind.

    K

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  5. Anonymous26/3/11 10:30

    i have decided that things are hard for words even...i was glad to find your site its a good site i think.

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