2011-01-21

Two Steps Forward and Three Steps Back

When I shared my new romantic endeavour with Frank he grew concerned. He said he couldn't understand why he keeps coming up in my conversations. Because we have had this discussion before and because I find it quite hurtful that Frank goes such extreme lengths to ensure I can never be associated with him, I decided to blow up.

After all, he is useless as a friend. No really. He has made it pretty clear he won't try, won't put in any effort, doesn't really care. If I want something from him I have to accept him as he is because he won't change.

I think I have been pretty patient. I have time and again assured him that I am not interested in hurting his relationship, or him. But that not good enough, "It's not that I think you'll do anything on purpose..."

Honestly.

If he is worried he should just stop doing stuff that puts his little world at risk.

But still. If every relationship is a power-battle then the person in charge is the one with the resources. He has stuff I want, always has, and it's always seemed worth the humiliation and doubt and shitty self esteem to be used by him.

Now, maybe it's different. It looks the same: I haven't spoken to him since I signed off Saturday night. I take his silence to mean he doesn't think I am not worth whatever it would mean for him to break the silence. I want him to it's true, I want some reassurance that I matter, but I am trying to ingest and accept that every day going by is a stronger confirmation that I don't.

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