Last night when I was taking my little nighttime walk I was thinking that the problem is not so much making the decision to get back on track, but the almost frantic attempts to push away the doubt that creeps up just a few days later, or a week, if I am lucky. The first few days of my new life I push it down and push it down, refusing to acknowledge that it's there, and it's exhausting. Finally it just takes me over and I am sitting there doing a marathon of Wire in the Blood while eating pint after pint of ice cream, and just before I go back to sleep I think: it's fucking useless, I'll never stop being like this, I wish I had the resolve to just end it all.
But what do you do? The biggest threat to any decision is doubt. How do you keep it at bay; how do you remember why you made the decision and how important it was? How do you stay strong; how do you keep putting one foot in front of the other?
It can't be by suppressing the negative thoughts, because there is something sick about that. It's life because you simply refuse to think something bad. You're no longer fully aware, like knowing you have skin on your back but deciding to ignore any sensations caused by it; maybe because it was burned and it hurts... Perhaps it doesn't follow logically but it seems to me that such an existence is partially blind, based on fear, and inability to handle discomfort.
So, what do I do now that I have talked myself out of trying to deny my doubts? Because the risk I run is that I am taken over by the big apathy, that tomorrow I won't remember that I for a moment thought it was pretty interesting to live and I was hopeful and thought maybe it was on the up and up.