2008-11-02

Once Upon a Time

It's been a week and I miss him. I keep looking for emails even though my last email made it clear I did not want to hear from him again. It is such a terrible thing to know that a person whose friendship you have fought to keep will not fight to keep yours.

I met Frank three or four years ago... I started a job as a contractor at the small company he was working at. He drew my eye at once. He used to wear these red bandannas around his hair. It took me six months, though, before I managed to work my way over to his cube, and once I left the company, it was I who struggled to keep that workplace-acquaintance alive. I asked him out for lunches and coffees; invitations which after a while were always turned down, but yet I couldn't stop asking. After that we mostly communicated via IM; it was always I chasing him.

There is no point in denying that I was falling in love with him, although it would be hard to explain on what grounds at this point. He seemed intelligent to me, and one of those people who has gone through hard times and come out the other end a little worn around the edges, sort of like me. He was good looking, and he had a deep, beautiful voice.

At some point our relationship turned sadomasochistic. One day without warning he simply told me I wasn't worth talking to. I was upset, and asked him what he meant by that, and he said he meant just what he said. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. Then I asked why I was so horrible and he told me I pretended to know things I didn't know, I didn't listen, I was presumptuous, illogical and irrational. I apologized. I listened. I agreed. I promised to change. Most of us are most of those things at some point or another, if we're honest, and we're honest if we think our most important friendship is at stake, so I was honest.

This was just the beginning. I have loved him and hated him but I have never been indifferent. When I am honest with myself I think he must have been mostly indifferent to me. About that, however, it took a really long time for me to muster up honesty.

1 comment:

  1. The following comment is me guessing what's going on for you in this blog post:

    I hear that Frank is someone you've easily felt excited and curious about right from the start, and that there's a lot of tenderness and affection awakened in you in relation to this person. And possibly that this tenderness and affection also gets you feeling more vulnerable, and that it scares you how willing you have been to adapt and change in attempts to support Frank in feeling comfortable and cared for in your relation. So, it's also a person you easily feel lost and insecure around, cause the acceptance and appreciation and care from Frank means the world to you - it would brighten up your whole existence.

    It sounds like you felt really alive and full of love when you're with Frank, and that you would like to have this person in your life. And at the same time you've felt hurt and lonely and bitter, cause you would really like to be seen and heard and appreciated for what you have to bring, and this hasn't been happening that much for you. It's been a journey for you to really show yourself and speak up for what is important and true for you, and perhaps you'd like some empathy and understanding around how lonely and scared you've felt when Frank broke off your friendship, and how much that connection meant to you. Perhaps you would like some understanding and empathy around how words that Frank used about you, affected you and your self-image and well-being in that relation.

    This is what I hear, I don't know if any of this fits with you. I welcome any possible responses with disagreements and corrections :)

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