It's been a week and I miss him. I keep looking for emails even though my last email made it clear I did not want to hear from him again. It is such a terrible thing to know that a person whose friendship you have fought to keep will not fight to keep yours.
I met Frank three or four years ago... I started a job as a contractor at the small company he was working at. He drew my eye at once. He used to wear these red bandannas around his hair. It took me six months, though, before I managed to work my way over to his cube, and once I left the company, it was I who struggled to keep that workplace-acquaintance alive. I asked him out for lunches and coffees; invitations which after a while were always turned down, but yet I couldn't stop asking. After that we mostly communicated via IM; it was always I chasing him.
There is no point in denying that I was falling in love with him, although it would be hard to explain on what grounds at this point. He seemed intelligent to me, and one of those people who has gone through hard times and come out the other end a little worn around the edges, sort of like me. He was good looking, and he had a deep, beautiful voice.
At some point our relationship turned sadomasochistic. One day without warning he simply told me I wasn't worth talking to. I was upset, and asked him what he meant by that, and he said he meant just what he said. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. Then I asked why I was so horrible and he told me I pretended to know things I didn't know, I didn't listen, I was presumptuous, illogical and irrational. I apologized. I listened. I agreed. I promised to change. Most of us are most of those things at some point or another, if we're honest, and we're honest if we think our most important friendship is at stake, so I was honest.
This was just the beginning. I have loved him and hated him but I have never been indifferent. When I am honest with myself I think he must have been mostly indifferent to me. About that, however, it took a really long time for me to muster up honesty.