2008-11-23

Friendship

When I was really little I used to have a bunch a little friends that I ran around with. I don't know at what point you could only have the one friend and that person was your best friend and if you had no best friend you were shit out of luck, but that's when I started to get into trouble. And I have sort of never really figured things out after that.

From second grade to ninth, I went to school with the same evil little kids every day. There were nine girls in our class. Girls could only be friends with girls and since you could have only one best friend, with nine, one was going to be left over. That made for some fierce competition. The competition was among the lowest of us not to be left out. Perhaps that should have made me a more pleasant person, a psychopath almost, if I was so focused on figuring out how to please, but I don't suppose i ever got it. I was just left feeling betrayed.

The friendships I had in school were always very close. It suited me to be dedicated to one person. I didn't do well in groups. I liked and wanted and needed attention and it was hard to capture a group's attention, but one person is easy. By implication, a person that hangs out with you is somewhat interested in you.

I never really got out of this way of being. While my classmates grew up and created networks of friends, I grew and wanted intimate, intense friendships with individual people. It's hard to find the people who'll want to share that kind of friendship with you. After a certain age "talking about everything" looses its magic. You're expected to hold it in and be an adult.

I made Frank into one of these people. Probably against his will. Let me put it this way, though, for all our arguments, we still talked pretty much every day, for hours, over IM. It's reasonable that he has filled that space now, but I don't know what the hell to do with myself.

So, in the middle of the night I sent him an email. I made my point about the jerk thing. maybe that was pointless. i don't know. I told him the reason I was angry was because I have been pussyfooting around his ego. Perhaps that's not how to win him over ... I don't know. I ended with how I'd hoped that he'd do something about this and how dissapointed I was that he hadn't. I said: "I know I should take my queue from the long silence." I am being passive-aggressive. I am such a loser. Anyway. It's true. I don't know how long I will keep at this. When will I enter the pleading phase?

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