2008-11-22

4 weeks

On Monday it will be four weeks. You think it would be getting better, but it's not. The raw emotions, sure those are fading. Not crying pathetically at the train station any more, instead I am doing weird obsessive things. With enough computer skills you can do some pretty strange, fucked up things.

I am spying on all of Frank's online personas, so I can see what's going on in his life. Of course, I realize this is not quite normal or healthy. It's hard to stop though. With some research skills I dug up Frank's phone numbers and added them back to my phone. Bad. Like so many other people I have a thing with drunk dialing/SMSing. That's why I deleted his phone numbers in the first place.

What about Ted? Well. You're right. He's a sweetheart, I don't deserve him.

I miss Frank desperately. I have no other friends to fill the space he left. I am not real skilled at making friends, and not real skilled at keeping them. I meet people I like, but I tend to fail to impress them, or that's what it feels like. Perhaps it is I who have unrealistic expectations on what friendship relationships should look like. I just wish I was better at giving the people I care about, what they need and/or want so they feel the urge to come back for more.

The relationship I had with Frank was deeply flawed but it was intense and it existed. Of course, given that he is "seeing someone" it may have become less intense on its ownby now. But whatever.

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